Young Writers Society

since other people pointed out the grammatical errors, i'll leave it out. but do brush up on your grammar. if you are from a foreign country, know that grammar is very important in the english speaking writing world.

your poem was weak. its a nice story you are telling, but the lines have to come through more to the audience to be more charged. when i read it, i felt bored to be honest.
work on your writing to get better.

i liked this line, "As the clouds suffocated the moon"
it adds gloominess to the poem to make it sad. because it is a sad story
the poem reminded me of A Little bit Longer- a song by the jonas brothers because of the diabetes theme.

some lines were flat and a little awkward:
I felt ever so ill and white

I didn't want to be here anymore

My dad stuck me in the car


sharpen up the weak lines and you can have a nice poem. its a good story

It tells a good story, but like sugarxsnow said, it isn't that emotionally or physically tragic, or gripping. Also, it doesn't seem to have much "flow" to it. That or I am just bad at reading poems.

"The scars are show"
That doesn't make much sense, and to me it just sounds very weird. sugarxsnows' example "The scars that are shown" makes much more sense, and actually forms as the missing piece that TRUELY binds that part together.

"I was sat on the cold stairs"
You mean sitting?

"As the clouds suffocated the moon"
I think that "smothered" would be a better word, since it's only two syllables, as opposed to four.




You have potential though. Hardship and experience can produce wonderful work.

Hello! My name is Katie, and I will be your critic for this moment~

I was once told that you must write what you know, I know quite a lot for a 14 year old. If your going to be a writer you must open up and lay yourself out for the slaughter to be truly brilliant. Or at least thats what I think! So here it goes ....

Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of hard needles and hospital beds
The scars are show
And my heart is like lead

It was one night in September
I was sat on the cold stairs
Or so I remember
My mum cried out in the front room
My dad stuck me in the car
As the clouds suffocated the moon

The lights were too bright
As I lay under heavy glares
I felt ever so ill and white
I didn't want to be here anymore
I heard the doctors talking why I was here
Diabetes that's what for

Hey there Brown Eyed Girl.

Kat covered the punctuation pretty well, so I won't go over it. You probably should add some punctuation, though. Punctuation signals to the reader "this is where one thought ends" and "this is where you pause for a breath." Without punctuation, everything reads like a run-on and it is hard to tell where one sentence (thought) ends and where a new one begins or even which words/concepts are most important. Having punctuation also helps with the flow quite a bit.

That said, other than the punctuation, this was very well-written. I only caught this one thing:

I heard the doctors talking why I was here

Hi Brown Eyed Girl! I have brown eyes too xD
Anyway, I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I will be your reviewer for today!

I was once told that you must write what you know, I know quite a lot for a 14 year old. If your going to be a writer you must open up and lay yourself out for the slaughter to be truly brilliant. Or at least that's what I think! So here it goes ....

Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of hard needles and hospital beds
The scars are show
And my heart is like lead

It was one night in September
I was sat on the cold stairs
Or so I remember
My mum cried out in the front room
My dad stuck me in the car
As the clouds suffocated the moon

The lights were too bright
As I lay under heavy glares
I felt ever so ill and white
I didn't want to be here anymore
I heard the doctors talking why I was here
Diabetes that's what for